Let’s Talk Boundaries
Many of us have heard of the word "boundaries," but when asked, "Do you have healthy boundaries?"- there may be some hesitancy and struggle to fully answer that question.
What are Boundaries?
Simply defined, boundaries are expectations and needs that help protect us and make us feel safe within relationships.
Signs You May Need Healthier Boundaries:
You feel overwhelmed.
You struggle to speak up when you are treated poorly.
You have no time for yourself or lack self-care.
You permit other people to touch you when you feel uncomfortable, or you want them to stop.
You are out of touch with your needs.
You are experiencing or are burnout.
You feel resentful toward people asking for your help.
You are angry or frustrated frequently.
You avoid people, such as ignoring phone calls or interacting with people because they may ask for something.
You make passive-aggressive comments about not receiving support or getting nothing in return.
You are a people pleaser.
You frequently fantasize about just dropping everything and disappearing.
Three Types of Boundary Setting
Porous Boundaries. When displaying porous or permeable boundaries, they are the kind of people who tend to get over-involved with others. They often can be manipulated and suffer the consequences of others. People with porous boundaries may feel anxious, depressed, unappreciated, burnt out, and experience unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Common Traits of Porous Boundaries
Oversharing personal information.
Over-involved with others' personal lives or problems.
Enmeshment (a relationship between two more people whose boundaries are unclear). Such as two people who may "feel" others' emotions.
People pleasing.
Dependent on the opinions of others.
Accepts abuse or disrespect.
Fears rejection if they say "no" or do not comply with others.
Rigid Boundaries. A person with rigid boundaries is usually the very opposite of porous. This person may build walls around themselves to keep themselves safe. While it is natural to want to protect oneself, rigidity can make it difficult to build close relationships. They do not let anything flow in or out and do not expect rules. For instance, a rigid boundary makes it look like- "I never watch other people's kids" they will stick to it- even if they have friends in a crisis or emergency.
Common Traits of Rigid Boundaries:
• Avoids intimacy and close relationships.
• Never shares and avoids disclosing too much.
• Unlikely to seek or receive help.
• Avoids vulnerability.
• Keep others at a distance for their possibility of rejections.
• Enforces strict rules.
• Easily or frequently cuts people off.
Healthy Boundaries. Regardless of one's history, health boundaries are possible to achieve. They require self-awareness, intention, mental, emotional, and even physical work. Individuals that display healthy boundaries may often have a healthier view of themselves and value their opinion the most while respecting others' feedback.
Healthy Boundaries May Look Like:
• Values own opinions.
• Being clear about your values.
• When people earn your trust, you can be vulnerable.
• Being comfortable with saying "no" and accepting others when they say "no."
• Sharing with others appropriately (not under sharing or oversharing)
• Knows personal wants and needs and can directly and effectively communicate them.
Ways to Set Better, and Healthier Boundaries.
Revisit your values and become clear on your priorities.
Values are the things you believe are essential in your life and work. What are your desires? What matters most to you? Our values determine our priorities, and they guide you the way you want to live your life. When living according to our values, life is not necessarily easier but may feel better in the direction you are heading. If you are unsure of your values, you may find creating and reinforcing your boundaries slightly more challenging.
Communicate directly and straightforward.
Be clear with your message. When setting a boundary, be straightforward. Have a firm, warm, and open tone. If you notice that you are going into the over-explanation mode or circling your message. If needed, you can rehearse, setting a boundary in a mirror or maybe with a trusted friend or family member. Take a couple of deep breaths before or during the conversation. If you feel overwhelmed during the conversation, resume the boundary set at a different time to get your message.
Sit with the discomfort.
We don't do well with sitting with our uncomfortable emotions for many of us. However, you will have to get used to those weird, awkward moments to set effective boundaries. It's perfectly normal to feel scared, nervous, sad, uncomfortable, and guilty. Especially guilty. Oh. The feelings of guilt. But I am here to tell you that you are setting boundaries and feel any icky emotions; you aren't alone. I encourage you to investigate where your feelings are coming from.
Trust yourself.
I will not sit here and act like setting boundaries is super easy because it's not. You may doubt yourself after a decision, and there is a good chance you may receive pushback from coworkers, friends, and family members. Don't waiver, and stick through it. Your mental health is worth it, and you will find that you may enjoy your relationships even more, as you will feel respected and recharged!
Learn to Set Boundaries Today at The Virtual Couch in North Carolina and Colorado!
The Virtual Couch specializes in chronic illness and pain counseling, anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, grief and loss therapy, disability counseling, depression therapy, and Brainspotting. These services are available via online counseling in North Carolina and Colorado. You can also check out The Virtual Couch’s Blog to learn more information related to chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, anxiety, grief & loss, and other therapy related topics. If you are ready to begin, just follow these quick steps:
1. Contact The Virtual Couch for a free 15-20 minute meet and greet.
2. Meet Patricia, a relatable counselor.
3. Begin effective online counseling from the comfort of your home.
