What Does Self-Compassion look Like?
Often we approach ourselves from a place of harsh criticism. You know- that nagging inner-critic. That voice in our head that says, "You shouldn't eat that cupcake because you are already gained weight, and then you will be even more ugly?" (Okay- well, at least that's a voice I had before). But when we tell ourselves these nasty comments, how does it make us feel? Maybe temporarily, you may not indulge in the high-calorie treat, or perhaps we will not attend the party, but that is what I said- temporary. When we speak from a judgment, we cannot allow our brains to change effectively.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the ability to approach ourselves with acceptance, understanding, and love-inward. Look at it like this: self-compassion is how you treat a friend but apply it to oneself.
Let's do a little role-playing exercise. Let's pretend your best friend just called, and you found out she just lost her job.
*Phone rings*
You: Hey girl! How are you doing today?
Friend: Eh, not so good. I was fired today! (She sounds in distress, may be holding back some tears). I thought this was the job. I thought everything was going great in life, new place, loyal, hot boyfriend, and then this has to happen!!
You: Well, it's not surprising you got fired; I told you not to get that job from your terrible interview experience. It's also probably because you are always running late. After all, you HAVE to stop at Starbucks for a Venti caramel frappe with extra caramel drizzle (which you know you should not be drinking because I pretty clear why you gained some weight). Oh yeah, by the way, you are disorganized, and your boss probably doesn't like the way you talk or dress.
WAIT, HOLD UP?
Would you say this to a friend in distress? Heck no, you wouldn't! So, why do you say these things to yourself? Welp, that's what we seem to do. We tend to speak to ourselves harshly, but kinder to our friends, family members, and maybe even strangers?! By practicing self-compassion, we can speak kindly to ourselves just like we would to a friend. So instead, you may respond, "Wow, that sucks! Are you okay? I would be so pissed too. Is there any way I can help?"
So, let's focus on the three pillars of self-compassion:
•Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
Self-compassion allows us to approach ourselves with understanding and warmth whenever we feel hurt, frustrated, have feelings of adequacy. Many of us tend to approach ourselves from our inner critic voice- we "beat" ourselves up and ruminate on our failings or mistakes. The reality is that we cannot get what we always want. When we fight against ourselves, we do not acknowledge the pain and hurt that is common in the human experience, therefore INCREASING psychological suffering (I know, it may sound weird).
•Common humanity vs. Isolation
The reality is that WE, as humans, at some point will deal with "negative" emotions, feeling, or thought. All of us suffer. It is inevitable. Humans, by definition, are imperfect, mortal, and vulnerable. It's messy but yet beautiful. Self-compassion helps us to recognize that our feelings of inadequacy and hurt are part of a shared experience. So, think of it- you truly aren't ever alone.
•Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Self-compassion allows us to take an approach that encompasses balance that we do not suppress or exaggerate our feelings. It will enable us to observe our negative thoughts and emotions from a place of clarity and openness- "here-and-now awareness." Being mindful allows us to recognize as simply being "thoughts and feelings"- true to our experiences. How can you try to feel compassion and ignore parts of yourself? You simply cannot. However, this is not to be "consumed" with your feelings and thoughts, which may evoke adverse reactions. Mindfulness is an art. It takes practice and time to cultivate truly.
Myths about self-compassion
Self-compassion is the same as self-pity.
Actually, if you think about self-pity, self-compassion is literally what you need to counter self-pity. Self-compassion allows one to accept, experience, and acknowledge challenging feelings as part of human experience. Self-pity or throwing a "pity party" enables the individual to feel sorry for themselves- it doesn't allow you to overcome adversity or pain, but it keeps you stuck.
Self-esteem is Self-compassion
While self-compassion and self-esteem seem similar, they are very are pretty different in many ways. Self-esteem is viewed as the person's overall emotional evaluation of their worth. Essentially, it's a broad judgment of ourselves. Self-esteem is Ego-driven, focusing on attempting to be better than others, or maybe even to oneself.
Self-esteem fights against being appearing as average. Our Ego just shudders at the idea that something or someone is of more excellent value than self.
Self-compassion is selfish
Self-compassion can sometimes be mistaken as being selfish. It can be common for people to focus on caring for others, and any time spent caring for oneself can be considered selfish. But if you think about it, when we spend time with self-criticism, we are still focusing on ourselves. For instance, let's say you are worried about if someone will notice the mustard stain on your shirt. Technically, isn't that your Ego coming out and saying, "Hey- they are clearly going to think you are a slob." So instead of nurturing that inner critic, instead approach it with gentle kindness.
Cultivating Self-Compassion ( A Mini Exercise)
Exercise: Self-Compassion Break
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress.
Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. This is a moment of suffering
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
This hurts.
Ouch.
This is stress.
2. Suffering is a part of life
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest.
Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.
Say to yourself:
3. May I be kind to myself
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?”
Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I learn to accept myself as I am
May I forgive myself
May I be strong.
May I be patient
This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not capable of developing compassion for others. ”
Online Therapy in Fayetteville, NC and Colorado
Counseling maybe able to help you to begin to unlock compassion towards yourself. During therapy we can start to put in the tools to cultivate self-compassion, what self-compassion looks like to you, and understand you engage in criticism.
To start therapy for to help develop more self-compassion, and open a world up for healing and positive change at The Virtual Couch in Fayetteville, NC , you only need to follow these 4 simple steps:
1. Click the button below to online schedule your free 15-minute consultation.
2. Meet Patricia, your caring compassionate counselor.
3. Develop the self-compassion you deserve to make you feel better.
Mental Health Services in Fayetteville, NC:
To learn more about me and my Fayetteville, NC counseling practice, click here! The Virtual Couch specializes in chronic illness & chronic pain, grief and loss therapy, anxiety counseling, depression therapy, and disability affirming care. All these services are available via online counseling in North Carolina. I am excited to support and be a part of your journey
Source:
The self-compassion exercise is from Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor, Researcher, and Author of “FIERCE SELF-COMPASSION How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive” [Source]
