Are You Guilty of Toxic Positivity?
It's literally plastered all over social media, "Always smile beautiful" or "Hey you, don't worry, everything will be okay." Cringe (It's almost like the fact that I just used the word cringe).
The Psychologygroup defines toxic positivity as the "overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience". Like a real-life Spongebob, which was great as a kid, but now as an adult, some relate more to Squidward, Mr. Krabs, or even Patrick Star!
Illustration by Drew-Buchanan
Signs of Toxic Positivity
1. You reject or dismiss all negative feelings.
• I mean, who wants to experience shame, pain, embarrassment, or feeling hurt? In reality, we will all experience those types of feelings. The truth is that these are all instead normal and healthy emotions and feelings to encounter. Often, we try to suppress our negative emotions but, that does NOT make them go away. For the lack of better words at the moment, they begin to fester, and it can have a significant impact on your emotional and psychical health.
2. You use positive quotes and sayings as a shield.
• You know quotes like, "It can always be worse" or "Hey! Look on the Brightside". Don't get me wrong. I understand the power of a meaningful quote to help you get through the day. But, hiding behind positivity often reinforces your negative feelings. I mean, let's be realistic, if you are dealing with a painful chronic health condition, do you want to see "It can always be worse" consistently hurled at you?
3. Your life always just seems perfect.
• Well, maybe to some degree it could be. But, you also may not want to say to your friends and coworkers, "Hey! Like I really thought about driving off the bridge this morning on the way to work" (That may not always be the best conversation starter). At the same time, how often do we just cringe at the people who "just seem to have it all together)? So, who do you be relatable vs. unrealistic?
4. You get upset or reprimand people who lack positivity.
• You simply loathe the idea of someone being down around you. You always assume the role of the cheerleader, just cheering on everyone "Smile, Buddy!!! By scolding others for the lack of positive emotions, you simply dismiss a part of their reality or distance. It's like saying, "Hey you! I only like the fun, happy parts of you, and the rest- yea, that's got to go."
5. You are a toughen-up and deal-with-type person.
• You hold the life by horns and try to "get on with it." Instead of taking the time to sit with the uncomfortable emotions, you IGNORE, SUPPRESS, IGNORE, AND SUPPRESS. Then you wonder why you find myself developing addictions and self-sabotaging behaviors? Don't get me wrong. I am all for developing resiliency! However, being resilient does NOT equal suppression.
Quick Ways to Counteract Toxic Positivity
Encouraging friends, loved ones, coworkers, and even YOURSELF to speak openly about ones' emotions.
Sitting with the uncomfortable. Allowing yourself to embrace all emotions, especially the negative ones.
Try to avoid constantly counteracting with a positive statement. Just listen and validate.
Recognizing and understanding that positive, powerful emotions may also coincide with negative emotions; for example, experiencing grief can be related to intense passion or love.
Wrapping up
To some degree, let's be honest; we have probably been both a perpetrator and victim of toxic positivity (I know I have). We know that we can only wear a mask for so long before encountering emotional and mental concerns. Let's embrace and normalize the total spectrum of the human experience; you know, the good, bad, and the weird. It's beautiful. It's authentic. It's human.
“The word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
Patricia S. Duggan, LCMHCA, LCASA, is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate and Licensed Addictions Specialist Associate and owner of The Virtual Couch, a North Carolina-based virtual therapy practice. The Virtual Couch specializes in working with individuals living with chronic illness and pain, grief and loss, anxiety, and depression.
